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Living with out my mum....

If you lost your own mother before you become a parent, it can be really hard to go through pregnancy, birth and the baby years without your mum being there for advice or simply to enjoy grandma duties.

I don’t have mine any more. My support network, my best friend my mum passed away 10 years ago at 2 am on the 22nd of January. My whole world and life changed, I was a broken mess, my eating disorder was uncontrollable and I was told if I didn’t stop my unhealthy patterns I would be back at St Anne’s for another 6 months just like I did years previous or worse I could be dead. I was having regular check ups on my heart and was very unhealthy. I was in my early 20s, lost, desperate to be held and to feel love, I felt like I had no one, I lived for the weekends, partying to take my mind off of the real problem that I missed my mum so much and felt that no one understood this kind of pain. I suffered the most horrific PTSD which I still have to try and manage, images I can’t even describe and write in this blog, having to turn your own mothers life support machine and holding her hand as she took her last breath to me is the worst experience that I have ever witnessed and nothing else will ever compare. I remember walking back in the room after they cleaned mum up and took all the wires off her when she had passed away. That image is in my head most nights, when the world is quiet and thoughts just flow, Alex is fast asleep but my brain plays back those last few nights at The Wellington Hospital in St Johns Wood.

The most painful part for me was the fact that my mum wasn’t even sick before she was admitted into a hospital. A healthy 52 year old with her whole life ahead of her who was so desperate for her precious girls (me and my sister) to have children so she could be a proud grandma. This breaks my heart because she was so excited to call her self nanny or grandma Anita one day (I don’t even know what name she would of preferred) (I didn’t even have that talk with her) it’s the little things that upset you, the conversations you wished you had.

Before I was thinking of becoming a parent myself before I had met Alex I hadn’t really grown up. Looking back I would definitely say that mum left me when I was still a child. I had to learn everything even to do my own washing and to pay my bills on time.

For me the hardest thing about going through IVF isn’t the expense, the fear or the loneliness. It isn’t the process of getting pregnant, with the ups and downs or the unknown, It’s not even the feeling that you are different from most family members and friends No. The hardest thing about IVF is trying again and not having my mum to share the news with. What I would do for one more cup of tea and a cuddle with you in your multicoloured dressing gown smiling back at me one last time mum....

Not having my mum by my side as I move through my IVF journey has personally made this loss even harder. I don’t have any positive closing paragraph on how I snap myself out of this. It’s just the reality of what it is. I have my own ways of coping by talking to my mum out loud and thanking the lord that I believe in the after life and spirit because if I didn’t I don’t think I would be able to carry on. I also have had spiritual healing with an amazing lady who is like a mother figure to me. The amazing Tracey who just heals you through her hands and tells me mum and grandma always come through. I believe it and I feel it.

I guess what it comes down to is finding your own ways to find comfort. I don’t think I have all the answers and I’m still learning to live life as a grown up with out my mum. Having a baby for me will fill that hole in my heart left by my mum and will complete me. I am ready and I trust in the universe and spirit to make this cycle work.

In loving memory of Anita Manashe RIP loved by so many the kindest woman to grace earth, god had other plans for you mum x

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